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A Review Of What Has Happened To Me Recently.
In about a week or so, I’m moving to Berlin, from a rather small town in Illinois. This is after I moved to said small town in Illinois from Munich, right around a year and two months ago.
When I moved here, I resolved to try my best to fix some of unresolved trauma, attitudes towards myself, and the consequences of my past choices. By far and large, I have done pretty well in this regard:
- A lot of the chronic, underlying depression and flare-ups of illogical behaviour have gotten escape hatches by being able to reason through what circumstances led me to believe that acting that way was beneficial, which then helps me accept the behaviour or mood,
- Unearthed and then processed a lot of trauma I’d more or less simply buried,
- Rediscovered and actually thought about feelings for the first time in a sincere, constructive manner,
- Acknowledged that I am in fact an entire person and not a mere utility function,
- And developed a strong suspicion that most of the things I’d mentally written off at “being bad at {life/brain/being a person/existing}” in fact do fit into an ADHD profile.
It’s been a productive1 year, and I’m proud of myself. I would also like to make similar steps ahead in the year to come as well, and I think there’s something that would be good for me that I have been rather bad at:
Growth by amendment, not by replacement. I am bad at improving parts of myself gradually. Instead I tend to proclaim that things will be henceforth different, and have a pretty-decent rate of making that stick. This is also bad for myself, I think, because it tosses out any good with all of the bad. I would like to be better at ratcheting my own development. Perhaps this is trivial, perhaps this will be far harder than it seems. Time will tell2.